Monthly Archives: December 2013

Add 9

I’ve been working a bit on a new song. I think it started to come to me a few weeks ago in New Orleans when I randomly came across an art-gallery type area adjacent to my hotel that had a perfectly usable piano and no discernible reason why I couldn’t play it. At that point it was just the just the beginnings of a tune, and I think it totally slipped my mind for a while afterward, but lately I’ve started to mess around with it again and developed at least a good chuck of the first verse along with the instrumental intro. So far it seems to concern a similar theme as my previous post here: that of peace, quiet, and lack of any momentous happenings or emotional extremes (good or bad). I don’t feel any unbearable sense of discontent. I have a good life, all things considered. The only problem is that I know too much; my memory, despite my own efforts at times, is too good. I’d be fine with this if it were all I knew.

And really, I am fine with it. I generally project a positive demeanor to those around me rather than whining or taking a “woe is me” attitude. This journal and my previous one probably show a less happy version of me only because writing here is how I vent. I don’t really have a best friend or confidant, at least not in the sense of someone to whom I always turn when the going gets rough. Now there certainly exist people who would do, and in actuality have done, what they could to help me when I asked. I can think of a good few times when I did share a problem with someone, explicitly or implicitly, and truly appreciated the support I got. However, in general that’s not my style. For a combination of reasons, some likely intrinsic and some relating to specific experiences I’ve had, I don’t tend to lean on anyone else. When something is making me unhappy and I have no immediate or direct means of fixing the issue (yes, this usually means relationship or failed-relationship problems), I get myself through it. Partly by choice and partly by necessity, I continue on as if completely unaffected.

All that said, there’s currently no need for me to persevere through any such difficulties. I have a very simple life with few absolute responsibilities aside from doing my job and paying my bills. Though no one is perfect and I’m certainly not anywhere close, I think I’ve done a decent job trying to balance my primary commitments with spending time with my family (all of whom live over 1000 miles away) and doing things that I enjoy. As I wrote the other day, I could still do more in terms of helping others both locally and on a bigger scale, and I’m actively pursuing such ends. No one really criticizes the way I live, possibly because no one is “in my life” to an extent that he or she could offer informed criticism. That seems odd, and sometimes I wish it weren’t the case, but it’s the way things have worked out.

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Restful, restful

After a relatively busy but enjoyable last couple of months filled with lots of travel (Dallas, Nashville, Montgomery, Atlanta, Tifton, Destin, New Orleans, Chicago) and many welcome opportunities to spend time with friends and family, I’ve returned to Clovis. Life will be a lot quieter in the coming months and, potentially, years. I don’t think of that as an unbearably bad thing. As a natural introvert, I’m fine spending a lot of time alone and keeping myself occupied by reading, running, cleaning up the house, watching TV or Netflix, (shortly) doing work for Master’s classes, etc. There are also plenty of ways, either as yet unexplored (math tutoring, building houses with Habitat) or not fully realized (volunteering with the local tennis teams) that I can spend my time and use my resources in order to help others. I don’t expect anything terribly exciting to be going on. I’ll just be here, doing my job, acting responsibly and not becoming a problem for anyone. The daydreams and idle imaginings about living somewhere else, doing something else, being with someone else, and so forth will continue, but I can deal with them and keep going about my business.

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